Attachment is such a simple word, with all the complex meanings. Attachment is fondness and affection towards somebody. Attachment is s bond that strengthens the relationship between two or more individuals. It is a sense of belonging. A sense of devotion. It is a bond that is formed between a mother and her child at first sight or may be even before that. At the time of conception. It is a bond that is present between siblings, friends, colleagues, classmates, neighbors and other people around us. Attachment is not just a relationship but a connection, a tie that binds together two souls. It is the need to be with that person all the time. (Mary Ainsworth)
Attachment is essential to survival. Attachment is a strong bond that binds two individuals together forever. Once the attachment is formed, it is rather hard to step away from that person. Attachment is the powerhouse of cognitive, social and emotional development. Attachment is a strong bond that connects two people across time and space. (Bowlby,1969).
Attachment is first formed between a child and the mother or a caregiver. The helpless child needs his mother or caregiver to attend to his every need. As a child knows that he cannot perform any activity without his mother or a caregiver, he becomes physically, emotionally and mentally attached to the presence of that person. He relies on that person for every tiny thing. Attachment is a vast topic and critical issue.
This bond between the mother and the child is the first step of attachment, and this leads the kid to have confidence and self-esteem in the later years. Children who feel secure and who have a strong attachment will become more intelligent and will have a more steady relationship in their life than the children who felt ignored and rejected.
Attachment in the early years can determine the personality of a person in the adulthood. Attachment in the start of ages builds a sense of security in a person. It makes way for all the future developments that will take place in a human being.
When a child is born, the system of attachment begins. Parents are the primary attachment figure in the life of a person. The child instantly knows that there is someone who will come to him at his first cry. Someone who will fulfill all his needs as soon as possible. Someone who will calm him to sleep. In short, he knows that he is attached to someone who not only knows what his needs and requirements are but will also fulfill them. And that all this will be done out of pure love and affection, not just a responsibility.
Attachment theory is an approach in the branch of developmental psychology that corners with how significant “attachment” is for a human being. It discusses that making a bond with another person is healthy for personal development. It lets a person grow. In the year 1958, John Bowley gave this theory. He worked as a psychiatrist in a clinic in London. He treated many children who were emotionally broken and disturbed.
His mission in life was to study and understand the children who were separated from their parents. He concluded that children tend to act up when they are separated from their parents. They become clingy and cry to prevent the separation. Bowley deduced that children make tantrums and cry because they know they cannot feed themselves and are entirely dependent on their parents. This cry is also their call for attention to attend to their needs and to give them all the necessary care which is required at the moment.
He explained in his theory of attachment that when a child is born, he/she knows that attachment is necessary. It is a need babies understand from the moment they take the first breath. This attachment is the cause of happiness in the children. They feel protected and loved. This feeling of protection and love stays embedded in them throughout their life cycle. It changes the form through puberty, adulthood, parenthood and old age but it never goes away. This attachment stays till they die. This feeling stays with them forever. They live their whole life accordingly.
John Bowley studied the children who were dealing with maternal deprivation. The first two years of an infant’s life are most crucial in forming an attachment or a bond. These two years will be considered a lot of work. If the proper relationship is not established in this time, the kid will not be as intelligent and smart as his peers. There will also be other issues that will arise in his adult life. Like depression and aggression.
There are many different types of attachment. These styles of attachment affect each and everything in the life of a person. (Lisa Firestone,2013) The attachment is formed in patterns, and these patterns can determine our strengths, weakness, and vulnerabilities. The attachment pattern is set up in the early ages, and this trend continues to stay forever.
Secure attachment is the type of attachment. Children who formed this pattern tend to grow up and feel confident about their relationships in the future. Children who are attached to their parents will feel confident and will want to explore all the aspects of life without any fear or doubt. As adults, they will enter their romantic life with trust and confidence. They will trust their partner and prove themselves trustworthy as well. They will comfort one another in the time of need and will stand by their partner in every situation. (Lisa Firestone,2013)
Another style of Attachment is the Anxious Preoccupied Attachment. People who have this form of attachment tend to live in fantasy. They make a fantasy bond with their partner. A fantasy bond is a bond among two individuals when they do not actually love one another but stay with their partner because that gives them a sense of belonging. (Robert Firestone)
They are emotionally cut off from their partner and perform routine acts that they think is love. They seek security and love in their spouse. They want their partner to complete them in ways they are incomplete. (Lisa Firestone,2013) they are desperate and feel insecure all the time.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment is the style of attachment when a parent or a primary caregiver doesn’t show the response to the young child. By rejecting the needs and cries of an infant the caregiver or the parent develop this in the child. Children who feel ignored learn how to pull themselves away from the adults. They will begin to avoid contact to save themselves from the rejection brought to them by adults. They get themselves into social isolation into their world. They are also very protective about this inner world, and they open up to very particular people. They are also very sensitive to the people they get attached with in any way. (PsychCentral,2016)
They become independent from a very young age. They do not trust anyone. They keep secrets. They avoid connections. They deny the importance of friends and family. They shut down emotionally. (Lisa Firestone,2013)
Another style of attachment is Fearful Avoidant Attachment. This style of attachment is also referred as disorganized-disorientated. Children who develop this style are considered to have passed from a stage of abuse and neglect. (PsychCentral,2016)
They may have the caregivers or parents who abused them a lot while growing up. These children grow up to adults who fear everything related to intimacy. This is because of the long term impact of abuse they have been facing since a very young age. They reciprocate the meaning of attachment with all the negative energies and this, in turn, is embedded in their personalities. (Lisa Firestone,2013) They do realize the importance of love, bonding, and security but tend to find it hard actually to deliver these acts of kindness and love.
They find it hard to show acts of love towards their partner. They either stay in a relationship and not love deeply or they will end up just as ignorant as their caregivers were before them. They will not find peace in intimacy but will feel trapped. (Lisa Firestone,2013)
Humans are complex beings. It is very truly said that human beings are a social animal. They need others to survive. They need their peers to appreciate them when they do something good. They want their family feels proud of them at their achievements. They want to be felt loved and nurtured. They want to feel belonged. They want the warmth of their family, friends, and partners. (PsychCentral,2016)
The care and love given to infants are like blue prints. It stays with them throughout their life. (Schneider, Grumman & Coutts, 2005). Parents mold their kids into whatever they want. A kid is like a blank paper; parents can write whatever they want. However, they want. And this writing will be a permanent one; it will never go away. It will never fade. Children become a mirror and reflect whatever image has been put on them during their early years.
Different parenting styles and techniques are the basis of what will be in future called as attachment styles. Parents who have high demands from their kids bring up the most scared kids. They are always telling their children to be more and more. They place high expectations on the little shoulders. They set strict rules and want the kid to live by them without questioning. (Berger, 2005)
Such children see the environment where they are not allowed to mouth their views. Where they are not even authorized to say anything. They feel a serious lack of communication. They will become adults who are under confident and highly unreliable. They will have a low self-esteem. They may become depressed in some part of their adult life. They will have bad social skills leading them to live alone. (Berger, 2005)
A strong bond between the parents and the child is necessary to raise a mentally and physically healthy child. Mary Ainsworth also worked in the same area, and she says that children who have a strong bond with their parents or caregivers will remain calm and organized in a desperate situation. They will not panic. However, the child is not attached to his parents will try to throw tantrums to attract the parents and cry and feel weak. They will not show confidence.
From all the work studied and observed it could easily be deduced that parents who fulfill the needs of their children raise strong kids. Parents who do not meet the needs of their children and ignore them tend to grow up lonely and under confident.
After reading the theories and ideas, one can safely say that a kid will always form attachments with their caregivers and parents. It is up to the parent to reciprocate that love and attachment in such a way that the child sees and understands that he is loved. (Lisa Firestone,2013)
An adult holds and carries same emotions he once had as a child. A child who was secure in early years will make their partner feel safe and loved. He will transfer the care and love he was given by his parents to his partner. He will trust them and nurture them.
While another person who was ignored and rejected as a child will become a negative person as this was what he saw growing up. He will never trust anyone. He will not be confident and secure. He will not want to socialize. He will not want any company and would rather do all the chores himself. He wouldn’t even want a partner.
The attachment style that is formed in the early ages set the base for all the future relations and matters. It will define every aspect of one’s personality. It will shape them for better or for worse. It will be their whole life.
Parents ought to be very careful while raising a child. Children come in this world with blank pages in their lives, and the first of poems and stories are written by the parents. These rhymes shall have a lifetime impact on the personality of that kid. The first few years of a child are his formative years. Whatever is saved in those years will come out in the later years. Parents and their ways of parenting have a profound effect on a child. A child needs love and care that is given by a caregiver or mother. A child will maybe survive physically without love. But mentally he will break beyond wonders. Everyone deserves to be loved and appreciated. Everyone is worthy of a healthy lifestyle.
References
MARIA POWER on November 17, 2011 8:07 AM. (n.d.). Attachment and Parenting Styles Influences on Adult Relationships. Retrieved August 06, 2017, from http://www.personal.psu.edu/bfr3/blogs/applied_social_psychology/2011/11/attachment-and-parenting-styles-influences-on-adult-relationships.html
(n.d.). Retrieved August 06, 2017, from https://internal.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
Introduction to attachment theory in developmental psychology, including Bowlby and Ainsworth’s contributions, evaluation and criticisms of attachment theory. (2015, January 01). How Your Infant Attachments Can Affect You in Later Life. Retrieved August 06, 2017, from https://www.psychologistworld.com/developmental/attachment-theory
Firestone, L. (2013, July 30). How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship. Retrieved August 06, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship
How Attachment and Parenting Style Affect Adult Relationships. (n.d.). Retrieved August 06, 2017, from http://brainblogger.com/2016/05/13/how-attachment-and-parenting-style-affect-adult-relationships
